“Hayden was our gentle giant.” Ben McAllister grins every time he talks about his only son. “He was the type of person that was always a positive influence for the other kids, and they always wanted to be around him…you know, he could help you with your highs and help you with your lows. And that’s what he did with us, too.”
Always ready with a joke, a smile, or a high-five, Hayden’s classmates at the private Christian school he attended remember him standing up for kids who were being picked on – they say there was no one he wouldn’t talk to or encourage. One of them calls him “the glue that held their class together.”
But underneath the smiles and camaraderie, something was going on with Hayden that nobody could see, and that even today no one who knew him can fathom. Tragically on March 10, 2023, Ben found Hayden – his cheerful, 6’ 3”, 15-year-old, basketball-playing son – dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Hayden had succumbed to suicide, the second leading cause of death among kids his age. Stories like his are part of the reason why in 2021 the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and the Children’s Hospital Association collectively declared a national emergency surrounding youth mental health, calling for more funding and more prevention programs.
Prevention and Intervention
Youth suicide is a nationwide epidemic, and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and hopeless. But while physicians groups work to develop reliable suicide risk assessments for pediatricians, and legislators across the nation search for policy solutions, there are actions parents and caregivers can take today to protect and make a difference for your children.
1. Open the Lines of Communication
If you ask Ben what advice he might have for other parents, his answer is quick and firm. “I would tell them to stop being a friend, and start being a parent. Talk to your kids.”
A 2024 report from the Centers for Disease Control agrees. A recent study asked 1,200 teens one question: How often do you get the social and emotional support you need? (The response options were “always,” “usually,” “sometimes,” “rarely” and “never.”) It also asked 4,400 parents the same question about their kids’ needs.
The disparity in their answers is eye-opening.
The vast majority of parents (about 77%) said they believed their child “always” receives the social and emotional support they need. Only about a quarter of teens (28%) agreed. The study also found that those who said they “sometimes,” “rarely” or “never” receive the support they need are more likely to report anxiety or depression symptoms, and low life satisfaction.
Take it from Ben. “Parents just need to have that open, honest line of communication. Tell your children, ‘Hey, tell me what’s going on. Because I will love you no matter what. I’ll never turn my back on you.’”
2. Restrict Screen Time
In study after study, the decline in youth mental health undeniably correlates with the rise in smartphone use over the last decade. Here’s a snapshot of what our kids are facing today:
- Suicide Ideation: Teens who spend five or more hours a day online are nearly twice as likely to have suicidal tendencies as those who spend less than an hour
- Bullying: Almost half of teens report being bullied or harassed online.
- Body image: About 1 in 3 girls say they feel bad about their bodies at least once a week when using TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat.
- Anxiety: Nearly half of teens surveyed about increases in anxiety, stress, and depression blame their overuse of social media.
Ben – who discovered after Hayden’s death that his son had been bullied online – has strong advice for parents. “These kids are bombarded with everything twenty-four-seven, and the parents need to take charge of that responsibility. Find out what’s on their phone, get rid of Snapchat, get rid of TikTok, get rid of those apps that influence kids’ minds.”
In fact, experts strongly recommend trying a screen detox for your family. Start by experimenting with “no tech zones” at the dinner table, in the car, or right before bed. Or take regular time off together from social media – whether for a day, a week, or even a month – and replace that time with things that allow your brains to rest and recuperate. Go for walks outside, play games, hang out in a park, gather with friends. And when you’re not on detox, use the limited tools available to monitor and limit screen time for your kids.
3. Restrict Access to Harm
For kids who are in crisis – even with other interventions in place – many times the last barrier to suicide is a physical one. That is, physically restricting access to anything that could be used to cause self-harm could ultimately mean the difference between life and tragedy.
If you have prescription medications in your home, lock them up. Remove access to car keys, as well as knives and other sharp objects. And if you have firearms in your home, store them in a secure place, and consider using safety devices such as trigger locks. From 2020 to 2021, nearly one-half of youth suicide deaths were from firearms.
For Ben and his wife Melissa, the loss of Hayden is a wound they feel every day.
“The best way that we’re trying to deal with it is to protect Hayden’s friends and kids across the country to understand that death is permanent. Make sure that they’re safe. Find the resources, go to your churches, go to organizations like Heroes In Waiting, go wherever you can to get the resources to help your child and help yourself. It’s that intervention that’s so important.”
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If you or someone you love is in crisis, please call 988 for compassionate support from a trained, judgment-free counselor. Or check out the amazing resources for teens, parents, and caregivers at https://988lifeline.org/.