If you’re like most people, you probably have your own ideas about which child-rearing techniques, teaching practices, and discipline paradigms are best for your child…and maybe even everybody else’s. But if there’s one thing that every parent, teacher, caregiver, coach, and counselor can agree on, it’s that we all want our kids to succeed.
So what does success look like? There are a number of studies that correlate academic success and education with lower rates of unemployment, higher salaries, and economic security. But in recent years, researchers studying academic achievement have stumbled on a set of skills that can’t be measured by midterm exams, standardized tests, or ACT scores. They call them “noncognitive skills,” and they include things like hope, conscientiousness, self-control, and resilience. Experts define resilience as “the ability to engage with a challenge, risk or impediment, and come out the other side with some measure of success.”
Noncognitive skills like resilience are hard to measure (many have tried), and even harder to teach, at least in the traditional sense. Instead, according to Paul Tough, author of How Children Succeed, “A growing number of researchers now believe they are shaped by several specific environmental forces, both in the classroom and in the home.” One of the most standout forces is stress, which can be attributed to many factors ranging from poverty, to lack of access to healthcare, to excessive access to social media and 24-hour news cycles. But no matter where it comes from, too much stress can significantly affect the development of noncognitive skills like resilience.
But there is some good news. According to the American Psychological Association, resilience can be taught – by parents, caregivers, educators, and other caring adults – and it can be learned.
5 Ways to Help Kids Build Resilience
1. Connections & Friendships
Robust social support – including strong family ties and peer connections – is critical to a child’s sense of safety and belonging. So it’s important not only to encourage kids to engage with friends, but also to teach and model skills like empathy and listening to others. Strong, meaningful connections are the foundation on which resilience is built.
2. Kindness
Studies show that performing acts of kindness makes people feel more connected to others, and it’s empowering. Even small acts of kindness improve mental health not only for the doer and the receiver, but for anyone watching. So try to engage your kids with age-appropriate volunteer opportunities, and encourage them to look for ways to help others at school.
3. Breaks
As important as connection is, alone-time is also vital for building resilience. While scheduled and structured activities can make kids feel safe, we all know they can become overwhelming. Be sure to schedule in unstructured, tech-free time so your child can disconnect from things that might be troubling, and have the freedom to imagine, create, or just chill.
4. Failure
Being resilient doesn’t mean everything is perfect. In fact, frustrating moments are critical building blocks for resilience. As one expert says, “It’s not just about being tough – that’s not resiliency. It’s about doing things that you’re not sure you can do.” So encourage your child to take on challenges, and help them embrace small failures as ways to learn and improve.
5. Modeled Behavior
A big part of resilience is managing our emotions when things get tough. If our kids see us lose our temper every time something gets broken or spilled or doesn’t go right, we’re only teaching them that throwing a fit is a correct response to adversity. So take a deep breath, and remember that regulating your own emotions goes a long way to teaching your child to do the same.